security advice

drake studebake, shuttlecock salesman, editor, maestro and lover, is now a security officer. he speaks to colonialistas in poppystan about how to act in the current circumtances:

capult freakly advises all ex-pats to look as american as possible, as we all know everybody likes an american. hightop shoes and baseball caps are advised for men. women should wear crop-tops with a healthy belly pouring out of the bottom. think pie crusts. loud obnoxious voices should be used for all communication. use long vowels whenever possible and avoid pronouncing dentals. e.g. where in the world is Bri'an (Britain)? or, wow, I'ly is a really swell country, I hear (as in Italy). Fried potatoes are freedom fries. women can be referred to as "you guys". And the Dari and Pashto languages, or any non-English language spoken in this beautiful country, should simply be called Afghan (or the Muslim language). act strangely around the French (shouldn't be too difficult) and be suspicious of Germans. drink coke at restaurants and hold your knife perpendicular to the table. Both public burping and crepitation are tolerated. Make fun of Canadians whenever the opportunity arises (again, shouldn't be difficult).

basically, in order to act american, one must simply convince themselves that in the eyes of the lord (don't bother thinking about that, though) s/he is superior to all others. fundamentalism is the name of the game.

good luck.

drake