get at me dogg

i once slept with a girl who left me for a dentist. despite my prejudices (mostly aimed at those in the tooth business) i wasn't as devastated as a real man might have been. but, this is a different story.

the capult freakly went out this morning. an illiterate nation now has fresh toilet paper, or as it is raining something to wrap around their turbans. i met my first reader last week. exciting. he had one eye. a badminton injury, perhaps...

i have been in poppystan for three long months now. i can now arrive at parties and talk down to young colonialistas (under the false impression that they are here to help) only in this lovely shithole since March. I can say things like, "well, since you only arrived in the spring, you haven't seen very much. just looking at capult somebody who has been here as long as i] will notice major changes. it's astonishing (at this point i will stare pensively off into the distance. the same look that has made boxed red wine fall in love with me over and over again). this place has really transformed." then the poor jackass with eyeballs bulging out will slowly nod his or her head and try to comprehend what this place would look like if it was any worse than it is now. what a shithole. a fucking shithole.

so after a serious investigation i have decided that this country and perhaps islam as a whole is in need of one person. a figure of diplomatic tact beyond that of the shy charmer, john "the tractor-stache" bolton. an intellect of liberal values. a man who knows how to enjoy himself and is of such a generous disposition as to share his joy with all of humanity. a man with bitches in the living room. a man who drinks his gin and juice out of the holiest of grails. yes. poppystan is in need of he: s n double o p d o double gizee.
imagine what snoop could do for this godforsaken country. over night, women would go from wearing bad halloween costumes to high heels and thong-thong-thong-thong-thongs. men could stop holding hands and kissing in public and join their western brothers in openly gawking at women and slurring offensive words under their breath, whistling dixie and even... the height of western civilization: office-place sexual harassment!
gin would flow in the rivers. opium would need not leave the borders. peeps would flock to join the fun. girl's gone wild poppystan. holla at me snoop.


just a side note: i recently found out that my blog is not accessible in the people's republic of chin-chimery-china. suckas.

second side note: boxed red wine is too busy to read this far.

third side note: i recently resigned my position as commissar of capult freakly. i will stay until the 1st of june. if any of my hundreds of unemployed chums want to take over, well, you are most welcome. send a message. it's a clean celebrity role in a society where it is virtually impossible to become famous without murdering and pillaging at least one rival village.

drake