recent job application

April 1, 2005

Dear Cardinals,

I write to you in regards to the seemingly open position at the Vatican of Pope. I feel that I, Drake Studebake, shuttlecock salesman, am the right man for the job. I understand that you most likely will be receiving numerous applications for this position, but I believe that my qualifications and experience make me a very competitive applicant. I have outlined in bullet-points below what I feel to be my most admirable qualities in a long life of religious practice, which, in retrospect, I have no doubt will lead to my glorious future as Pope.

• I sat for five years in an episcopal elementary school where, I am told, we spent considerable time in the National Cathedral learning the way of our lord and saviour. Unfortunately, I only remember doing brass rubbings… But, I thought that was cool.

• I know the refrain to “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” and the song about the three kings and the rubber cigar.

• Even though I often make fun of Mormoms, sometimes i feel a bit guilty about it.

• Although I have not read the Bible, I have intended on doing so for quite some time.

• I can drive stick-shift and have knowledge of microsoft excel.

• I wore a Yakima, like the thing the Pope wears, at my friend Jared’s bar mitzvah in 1991. I looked pretty good in it.

• People like calling me Papa (or sometimes even, Big Papa).

• I have no moral qualms with hypocrisy.

• If I can sell shuttlecocks, than I can surely sell god.

• I can drink buckets of the blood of christ in one night.

• I’m good at waving and giving high-fives.

• I haven’t got laid in a while.

As there is no job description posted online, I hope that the above information covers the necessary subjects in the application process. Please contact me if there is any further information you would like (I am happy to turn over my criminal record, etc.).

Peace out,

D.S.