bella ragazza

Dear Ilaria Blasi,

I am the editor in chief of Capult Freakly, the premier newspaper in Poppystan. This country is in dire need of female role-models. As you are a very successful and world-famous woman, Capult Freakly would like to invite you to come to Kabul in order to conduct an interview with our female journalists. We feel that Poppystan would greatly benefit from not only your presence, but your opinions and stances onissues regarding women in society.

The organization sponsoring Capult Freakly, A., also produces videos on women's issues in Poppystan (you are welcome to visit our website at http://afghanightmare.blogspot.com). If you are interested, we would be greatly honored if you would consider participating in such a project.

Please feel free to contact me via email at this address, or by telephone: +93 (0)70 555 085.

Yours sincerely,

Drake Studebake
Editor in chief, Capult Freakly,
Afghan Media and Culture Centre
Capult, Poppystan

capult freakly

so they choose some christian for the papacy over this heathen... disappointed? of course, but i wont let disappointment drive down my deep faith in screen doors and porch swings. i will survive.
i haven't ka-blogged in a few weeks for the following reasons:

-i'm more depressed than a blue state.

-i've started another job (one that entails hard work for a few days a week), but for some reason i am still doing my old job as well...

-a fucking matto romano showed up here a couple of weeks ago and now i have to listen to his fucking matto accent all day long.

-my stomaco is in such bad shape that i have had to install a toilet in my office.

-the fucking walt disney of east germany recently showed up to run the show here at A...

-madame george finally told me that i am a complete prick and to fuck off. help

-i'm in poppystan. still.

so fuck all that nonsense. i'll tell badminton fans of the world about my new office:

Capult Freakly is Poppystan's "foremost" "independent" "newspaper". And drake studebake is the new editor/sole reader. (yes, yes, you are right to wonder what the fuck shuttlecocks and newspapers have in common, but in an attempt to actually sell this newspaper to people that won't a) wipe their ass with, or b) shit, i can't think of what else people might do with it... right, so in an attempt to improve sales, i have included origami instructions in the top right header on the front page. this allows our reader(s) to fold capult freakly into (you guessed it) large shuttlecocks, turbans, mini-burqas, Kalashnikovs, etc. or they can just continue to use it to roll massive j's.)

now for the above words in quotation marks:
foremost: yes, studebake's rag is the foremost paper on the market. however, there are a few problems with this: a) the ex-pat community can't figure out what they fuck is being published in the other papers because they are written in some archaic script (will smith, the half court squire, reads it, but his explanations take great difficulty to follow). oh, and we are in poppystan... market(!)? so, by default. it is the foremost.

independent: the paper is subsidized by an NGO run by the walt disney of east germany and edited by yours truly. i have been accused of promoting shuttlecock sales. justly. w.d. of e.g. has nothing to do with it, actually, but he is annoying.

newspaper: well... um... i'll leave that one.




i am ready to have children, or whatever it takes. please send women.

lack of something

poppystan is missing this that this that this that and that this. but, one can get by without clean water, salad that wasn't fertilized with human shit, cafes, pubs, sidewalks, chairs with even numbers of legs, a morning newspaper (no disrespect to my capult freakly), burritos, armands, stimulation (either intellectual or untellectual), the OC, clean hands, clean clothes, book stores, cinemas, culture in general, fresh air, safety, this that and that this. but, this lack of women is simply appalling. no wonder the devil has got away with squatting here for over a quarter century. how blind can a society be? every office is full of farting, rude, dirty, rude, boring, slobby, uninspired, badly dressed men. fuck. every street is full of the same. every time one (as a man) walks into a courtyard men suddenly start shooing their women and girls indoors, behind curtains, walls, portculi, doors, piles of shit, etc. like fucking chickens. its miserable. the only women i see are wearing billowing blue burqas and begging for money.

i think too $hort would explode upon entry. no cocktails. fuck

recent job application

April 1, 2005

Dear Cardinals,

I write to you in regards to the seemingly open position at the Vatican of Pope. I feel that I, Drake Studebake, shuttlecock salesman, am the right man for the job. I understand that you most likely will be receiving numerous applications for this position, but I believe that my qualifications and experience make me a very competitive applicant. I have outlined in bullet-points below what I feel to be my most admirable qualities in a long life of religious practice, which, in retrospect, I have no doubt will lead to my glorious future as Pope.

• I sat for five years in an episcopal elementary school where, I am told, we spent considerable time in the National Cathedral learning the way of our lord and saviour. Unfortunately, I only remember doing brass rubbings… But, I thought that was cool.

• I know the refrain to “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” and the song about the three kings and the rubber cigar.

• Even though I often make fun of Mormoms, sometimes i feel a bit guilty about it.

• Although I have not read the Bible, I have intended on doing so for quite some time.

• I can drive stick-shift and have knowledge of microsoft excel.

• I wore a Yakima, like the thing the Pope wears, at my friend Jared’s bar mitzvah in 1991. I looked pretty good in it.

• People like calling me Papa (or sometimes even, Big Papa).

• I have no moral qualms with hypocrisy.

• If I can sell shuttlecocks, than I can surely sell god.

• I can drink buckets of the blood of christ in one night.

• I’m good at waving and giving high-fives.

• I haven’t got laid in a while.

As there is no job description posted online, I hope that the above information covers the necessary subjects in the application process. Please contact me if there is any further information you would like (I am happy to turn over my criminal record, etc.).

Peace out,

D.S.