madame george sends the best emails

i wish i had written this:


"development is such a fucking joke. all these development folks who are in the "field" only serve to create this neo-colonialism in which they completely marginalize themselves from the people they are there to "develop" by implementing economic and social structures that the indigenous peoples can not even dream of accessing. it makes me sick when i think about it becasue it's all under the guise of helping people. ah
well"




nabbas you are wonderful.

I taught him everything he knows...

M E W Lambeau was recently chosen as an all-met rower by the warshington post.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/sports/hssports/longterm/allmets/spring05/rowing.htm

(scroll down to the honorable mentions.)


MEWL will be attending the university of vermont in the fall where he will learn about political dissent and rolling spliffs.

capult seen through the lens of the dope italian girl 

lovely kabul

just to give everybody an idea of how shitty it is to be here and how fucking stupid the ex-pats are in lovely kabul...

this is an email i received today from the security agency here, ANSO. a bunch of crackas.

Importance: High



Dear All:



A warning of a possible suicide Body Borne Improvised Explosive Device (BBIED) attack within Kabul City has been alerted through reliable sources.



The time frame for such an attack is highest over the next 8 days effective 22-29 May 2005.



High risk area's within Kabul City will be the main roads, routes through the city, traffic choke points. All the major Traffic Squares such as the Mashoud, Abdul Haq square will be rated as a higher risk area. Please remain alert while traveling from your residence to work place.



Reports have indicated that the potential attackers (suicide bombers) may be wearing a heavy vest. Based on reports and investigations of previous incidents some characteristic features (non exhaustive list, and not all described features must be necessarily accomplished at the same time) of potential suicide attackers, which could be useful in order to recognize a potential threat.

* 95% of suicidal attackers, (BBIED, VBIED) there was a single attacker.
* Wearing bulky clothing
* Wearing sunglasses
* Sweating, agitated
* Elated, smiling, happy
* Mumbling, reciting the Koran passages
* Protecting genitals
* Freshly shaved, short hair
* Visibly altered appearance
* Marking on forearms
* Holding onto something, clenching fist
* Wire or toggle protruding from clothing/bag
* Cuts in clothing/bag

CR Security Office cautions all Agencies to exercise due diligence, and be on higher alert during the next week. Please do pay attention to the security advise that is given and widely disseminate amongst all your staff.





Regards,



Cracka
Area Field Security Coordination Officer
Department of Safety and Security
Kabul, Afghanistan



i'm going to get this guy. not to worry.

norwegian humor... who knew?

i take it everybody has seen this by now. it's worth watching over and over again...

come down to kosovoooooo

smack

ahhh... ali sahib... do you love me?

#%#@#$%

dear mr. whitaker, mr. isikoff and the entire newsweek staff,

stick a shuttlecock up your ass.

d.s.

security advice

drake studebake, shuttlecock salesman, editor, maestro and lover, is now a security officer. he speaks to colonialistas in poppystan about how to act in the current circumtances:

capult freakly advises all ex-pats to look as american as possible, as we all know everybody likes an american. hightop shoes and baseball caps are advised for men. women should wear crop-tops with a healthy belly pouring out of the bottom. think pie crusts. loud obnoxious voices should be used for all communication. use long vowels whenever possible and avoid pronouncing dentals. e.g. where in the world is Bri'an (Britain)? or, wow, I'ly is a really swell country, I hear (as in Italy). Fried potatoes are freedom fries. women can be referred to as "you guys". And the Dari and Pashto languages, or any non-English language spoken in this beautiful country, should simply be called Afghan (or the Muslim language). act strangely around the French (shouldn't be too difficult) and be suspicious of Germans. drink coke at restaurants and hold your knife perpendicular to the table. Both public burping and crepitation are tolerated. Make fun of Canadians whenever the opportunity arises (again, shouldn't be difficult).

basically, in order to act american, one must simply convince themselves that in the eyes of the lord (don't bother thinking about that, though) s/he is superior to all others. fundamentalism is the name of the game.

good luck.

drake

damn. can i come?

the worst thing about anti-us demonstrations in poppystan?

i have to stay at home.


er... rather, the worst thing is that they all want to kill me.

fuck

fuckers

dear asshole administration,

in case the world hasn't made it perfectly clear over the past few days - YOU ARE HATED! honestly, it has taken you far too long to realize this. you are hated everywhere (other than in small fundamentalist churches south and west of warshington). perhaps you should create a commission to look into this...

so, to mr. bizush and the tx reckas:

FUCK YOU from afghanistan, georgia, america, russia, italy, france, germany, britain, the balkans, the baltics, asia, south america, antartica, australia (actually fuck australia), new zealand... fuck you from peeps worldwide.

and a special MUTHAFUCK YOU from Eye-rak.

get at me dogg

i once slept with a girl who left me for a dentist. despite my prejudices (mostly aimed at those in the tooth business) i wasn't as devastated as a real man might have been. but, this is a different story.

the capult freakly went out this morning. an illiterate nation now has fresh toilet paper, or as it is raining something to wrap around their turbans. i met my first reader last week. exciting. he had one eye. a badminton injury, perhaps...

i have been in poppystan for three long months now. i can now arrive at parties and talk down to young colonialistas (under the false impression that they are here to help) only in this lovely shithole since March. I can say things like, "well, since you only arrived in the spring, you haven't seen very much. just looking at capult somebody who has been here as long as i] will notice major changes. it's astonishing (at this point i will stare pensively off into the distance. the same look that has made boxed red wine fall in love with me over and over again). this place has really transformed." then the poor jackass with eyeballs bulging out will slowly nod his or her head and try to comprehend what this place would look like if it was any worse than it is now. what a shithole. a fucking shithole.

so after a serious investigation i have decided that this country and perhaps islam as a whole is in need of one person. a figure of diplomatic tact beyond that of the shy charmer, john "the tractor-stache" bolton. an intellect of liberal values. a man who knows how to enjoy himself and is of such a generous disposition as to share his joy with all of humanity. a man with bitches in the living room. a man who drinks his gin and juice out of the holiest of grails. yes. poppystan is in need of he: s n double o p d o double gizee.
imagine what snoop could do for this godforsaken country. over night, women would go from wearing bad halloween costumes to high heels and thong-thong-thong-thong-thongs. men could stop holding hands and kissing in public and join their western brothers in openly gawking at women and slurring offensive words under their breath, whistling dixie and even... the height of western civilization: office-place sexual harassment!
gin would flow in the rivers. opium would need not leave the borders. peeps would flock to join the fun. girl's gone wild poppystan. holla at me snoop.


just a side note: i recently found out that my blog is not accessible in the people's republic of chin-chimery-china. suckas.

second side note: boxed red wine is too busy to read this far.

third side note: i recently resigned my position as commissar of capult freakly. i will stay until the 1st of june. if any of my hundreds of unemployed chums want to take over, well, you are most welcome. send a message. it's a clean celebrity role in a society where it is virtually impossible to become famous without murdering and pillaging at least one rival village.

drake